Physical Therapy has now become Attitude Adjustment. Having completed my first week of torture/therapy, I find myself having a minor epiphany. (Would that be an epiphanette?) I went into my session yesterday feeling sorry for myself, and thinking that the therapists were all focused on contriving new devises of torture to inflict on my diseased, aching body. Somewhere along the line I began to realize that they were on my side. They were there to encourage me to take back my broken body and reclaim my life. aHa! Inspiration struck like a bolt of (albeit dull) lightening.
I began to see patterns and habits. My best female friend once summed this up quite well when she said, "I'm not just living in a rut, I've started decorating!" When faced with major obstacles or painful situations in the past, I've had a tendency to lock myself away; crawl back into my lion cave to lick my wounds. Eventually I would come roaring back out, but not until I had spent a considerable amount of time closed in and shut off from everything and everyone. One of the bright spots here is that I'm seeing myself bounce back out of that kind of thinking faster these days.
My mantra after my bypass surgery was "if not now, then when?" I used this phrase to take me from a broken body before to recreate a new and a wonder filled life. Now I see that I am set at the precipice of a new chapter of this life, and once again my body is betraying me, holding me back... but only if I let it. I can become the victor or the victim. It's my choice. I can wallow in the pain and frustration and let all our dreams and plans be swallowed up in the infinite vat of self pity or I can come roaring back out of my Leo cave and claim all the good that God has gifted me. With my armor of gratitude securely in place I step into my future.
Yes, therapy is painful, but I can do this. I can stretch those tender muscles and exercise those aching joints until I have achieved the ability to step out of my comfort zone. One foot in front of the other as I become the person that I need to be to fulfill my potential. As the Phoenix rises from the ashes, so shall I rise up and grab hold of the golden ring that is placed before me. I may scream, groan and complain, but I will overcome this obstacle and move forward to claim the prize. My new mantra comes from building on past victories. "I've done it before, I can do it again" as I climb out of the oh so familiar rut.
"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength." August Wilson
"For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds saith the Lord," Jer 30:17
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Healing of Home
I miss the forests. Especially at times like these, I long for the lush greens of the deep woods. The Centurion Cedars call my name on the fresh, clean breezes from home. The Great Northwest will always hold a special place in my heart, and I crave that resting place of regeneration that it offers. Walking through the woods when times got rough always brought solace and calm to my broken spirit. The smells of the decaying mulch intertwined with freshly washed evergreens are becoming a distant memory for me. I hunger for the rejuvenation and healing that home offers.
So often people refer to home as "the place your heart is", or "where-ever your loved ones are". Both options hold truth, and yet we can be torn. Having lived here for almost 7 years now has still not caused me to have much affection for this place. Springtime is pleasant, but only as it tends to remind me of the summers in Washington. The city is still ugly, dirty, and devoid of beauty. If I look through a pair of rose colored glasses, I can see the early blossoms and blue skies, but then my eyes are assaulted by the vision of perpetual trash around the bases of these flowering bushes (certainly not trees!). The rows of graffiti laden fences block out the beauty of the sunny skies.
Maybe my mood is just gloomy from a hangover of my health issues that I'm dealing with right now. Maybe I'm just homesick for the budding tulips, forsythia and lilacs that this time of year represents to me. While trying to focus on the love and support of my awesome family, I still cling to wisps of a memory. Dreams of a walk through the healing woods of home fill my senses.
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms." Henry David Thoreau
So often people refer to home as "the place your heart is", or "where-ever your loved ones are". Both options hold truth, and yet we can be torn. Having lived here for almost 7 years now has still not caused me to have much affection for this place. Springtime is pleasant, but only as it tends to remind me of the summers in Washington. The city is still ugly, dirty, and devoid of beauty. If I look through a pair of rose colored glasses, I can see the early blossoms and blue skies, but then my eyes are assaulted by the vision of perpetual trash around the bases of these flowering bushes (certainly not trees!). The rows of graffiti laden fences block out the beauty of the sunny skies.
Maybe my mood is just gloomy from a hangover of my health issues that I'm dealing with right now. Maybe I'm just homesick for the budding tulips, forsythia and lilacs that this time of year represents to me. While trying to focus on the love and support of my awesome family, I still cling to wisps of a memory. Dreams of a walk through the healing woods of home fill my senses.
"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms." Henry David Thoreau
Monday, March 19, 2012
Health Update Part 2
Neurologist' report from MRI = 3 herniated discs in my neck with stenosis and nerve impingement along with some other issues. Adding that to the previous list of ailments I started my physical therapy sessions today. Prescribed 3 x week for 8 weeks. Yippy... Skippy....
It wasn't too bad today though. They started me off with a massage, then electrode stimulation while applying weighted hot packs that covered my whole back. Out of a whole booklet of exercises to do at home; they are only letting me do 2 (for now...lol). Wednesday I start with the water therapy in the heated pool along with the stuff they did today.
Back to school tomorrow, but for now I'm just going to relax and enjoy my hot pack. I'll try to write more tomorrow.
I see there are plenty of people checking this blog out. Please leave me your thoughts and comments. Thanks for checking in!
"Character can not be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller
It wasn't too bad today though. They started me off with a massage, then electrode stimulation while applying weighted hot packs that covered my whole back. Out of a whole booklet of exercises to do at home; they are only letting me do 2 (for now...lol). Wednesday I start with the water therapy in the heated pool along with the stuff they did today.
Back to school tomorrow, but for now I'm just going to relax and enjoy my hot pack. I'll try to write more tomorrow.
I see there are plenty of people checking this blog out. Please leave me your thoughts and comments. Thanks for checking in!
"Character can not be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Edge-dweller
Was wandering the internet while experiencing yet one more sleepless night, and ran across a blog posted by a Lady that is in her 60's, full-time rv'er, with an amazing amount of insight into human nature. Wanted to share a bit of her post that I found inspiring:
"Since this life is engendered in the imagination, imagination is one of the primary tools available for actualizing it. As edge-dwellers, we were proud of being tougher, more experimental and truthful, and less compromised than many of our peers who seemed more interested in easy assimilations. I hope to prove by my existence that each of us can act out the life of our highest fantasies.
If you can leap the hurdles of programmed expectations and self-imposed limits, the future promises boundless possibilities. If one can not,one has to understand it as either a natural limit, or one to be remedied. There is no one or system to blame. Now, at this time in my life, the condition of freedom has been presented to me as an actual possibility... and I'm ready for it."
http://gypsy-boho.blogspot.com/p/edge-dweller.html?showComment=1331984147491
(to read the full post)
This writing really struck a cord with me as I am facing so many "issues" in my life right now. I don't want to be a victim of my own self-imposed limits. I want to grab hold of every day and experience everything that life has to offer. Squeeze the life force out of every moment. I don't want to reach the end and have any regrets. I certainly don't want to sit on the sidelines and feel sorry for myself or my circumstances. Life is too short for that and I've traveled too far to just give up now.
So I step forward once again with strength and determination to face the day, accept what life has to offer and create the life I have dreamed of. I choose to create, not tear down. Build up, not destroy. Move forward, not sit this one out. I have no interest in an easy assimilation or living anyone else's programmed expectation for my life. It's MY life and I choose to live it My way. I grab hold of my basket of Faith & Prayers and move on down the road...
God Bless This Journey
"The way to activate the seeds of your creation is by making choices about the results you want to create. When you make a choice, you activate vast human energies and resources, which otherwise go untapped." Robert Fritz
"Since this life is engendered in the imagination, imagination is one of the primary tools available for actualizing it. As edge-dwellers, we were proud of being tougher, more experimental and truthful, and less compromised than many of our peers who seemed more interested in easy assimilations. I hope to prove by my existence that each of us can act out the life of our highest fantasies.
If you can leap the hurdles of programmed expectations and self-imposed limits, the future promises boundless possibilities. If one can not,one has to understand it as either a natural limit, or one to be remedied. There is no one or system to blame. Now, at this time in my life, the condition of freedom has been presented to me as an actual possibility... and I'm ready for it."
http://gypsy-boho.blogspot.com/p/edge-dweller.html?showComment=1331984147491
(to read the full post)
This writing really struck a cord with me as I am facing so many "issues" in my life right now. I don't want to be a victim of my own self-imposed limits. I want to grab hold of every day and experience everything that life has to offer. Squeeze the life force out of every moment. I don't want to reach the end and have any regrets. I certainly don't want to sit on the sidelines and feel sorry for myself or my circumstances. Life is too short for that and I've traveled too far to just give up now.
So I step forward once again with strength and determination to face the day, accept what life has to offer and create the life I have dreamed of. I choose to create, not tear down. Build up, not destroy. Move forward, not sit this one out. I have no interest in an easy assimilation or living anyone else's programmed expectation for my life. It's MY life and I choose to live it My way. I grab hold of my basket of Faith & Prayers and move on down the road...
God Bless This Journey
"The way to activate the seeds of your creation is by making choices about the results you want to create. When you make a choice, you activate vast human energies and resources, which otherwise go untapped." Robert Fritz
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Warnings
What is that part of a human that chooses to ignore warnings? When faced with an amber/yellow light; so many of us just step on the gas - barrel on through, rather than heed the warning - use caution, slow down, stop. Cigarette packs all come with a warning on the label, yet some will do anything to be able to obtain that fix of nicotine. Dig change out of couch cushions - even rob their children's piggy banks for enough to buy another pack of "cancer sticks".
There seems to be a rebellious nature in most people that leads us to push that envelope, take a chance, live on the edge. Even the Garden of Eden came with a warning. A whole lot of good that did, huh?
"Free will", "freedom of choice", "rebellion"? No matter what we call it, the result of ignored warnings lead to consequences for our actions. We are left with the results, and excuses don't cut it.
Diabetics continue to eat sugar, hypertensives continue to use salt. Twinkies call out to obese people who answer willingly while adding a cold soda to wash it down.
Do we honestly believe ourselves to be invincible? As we begin to realize our uniqueness, there is an opening of awareness that can take place. We begin to realize that our potential can only be obtained by heeding certain warnings of those that have gone on before us. We can learn from other's mistakes, research, or even our own life experiences, but only if we open ourselves up to that truth and heed the warnings.
"Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself." Robert F. Bennett
There seems to be a rebellious nature in most people that leads us to push that envelope, take a chance, live on the edge. Even the Garden of Eden came with a warning. A whole lot of good that did, huh?
"Free will", "freedom of choice", "rebellion"? No matter what we call it, the result of ignored warnings lead to consequences for our actions. We are left with the results, and excuses don't cut it.
Diabetics continue to eat sugar, hypertensives continue to use salt. Twinkies call out to obese people who answer willingly while adding a cold soda to wash it down.
Do we honestly believe ourselves to be invincible? As we begin to realize our uniqueness, there is an opening of awareness that can take place. We begin to realize that our potential can only be obtained by heeding certain warnings of those that have gone on before us. We can learn from other's mistakes, research, or even our own life experiences, but only if we open ourselves up to that truth and heed the warnings.
"Your life is the sum result of all the choices you make, both consciously and unconsciously. If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life. You can find the freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself." Robert F. Bennett
Monday, March 12, 2012
Health Update Part 1
As some of you may already know; I have been having some serious health issues these last few months. Some of which has been going on for a lot longer. We kept a lot of it on the down low until we knew just what we were dealing with. So off to the Dr's we went. I thank God that we have good medical insurance as this has not been a cheap enterprise. Even the co-pays are taking a toll.
The initial findings are in from all of the tests I've been having done. At first, they thought maybe we were looking at MS, Lupus or possibly even a brain tumor. CT scan = no brain tumor, MS and Lupus were a little tougher. Off to the rheumotologist I went for more tests, and more tests after those weren't conclusive. Xrays and so much blood. Not MS. Lupus is still an open door at this time. Off to the neurologist. Scheduled an MRI for today and won't have the findings for that right away. ( Looking at some type of nerve impingement, possibly caused by compressed or ruptured discs in the cervical spine. I'll post more on that later when we know something.)
What I DO know
Initial diagnoses are:
Autoimmune Disease: "Our bodies have an immune system, which is a complex network of special cells and organs that defends the body from germs and other foreign invaders. At the core of the immune system is the ability to tell the difference between self and non-self: what's you and what's foreign. A flaw can make the body unable to tell the difference between self and non-self. When this happens the body makes autoantibodies that attack normal cells by mistake. At the same time special cells called regulatory T cells fail to do their job of keeping the immune system in line. The result is a misguided attack on your own body. This causes the damage we know as autoimmune disease. " (http://www.womenshealth.gov/)
Inflammatory Arthritis: (This appears to be the primary focus of the autoimmune disease as far as we know right now)
"Arthritis literally means "inflammation of a joint." In some forms of arthritis, such as osteoarthritis, the inflammation arises because the smooth covering (articular cartilage) on the ends of bones wears away. In other forms of arthritis, such as rheumatoid arthritis, the joint lining becomes inflamed as part of a systemic disease. These diseases are considered the inflammatory arthritides.
The three most common types of inflammatory arthritis that affect the hip are:
The initial findings are in from all of the tests I've been having done. At first, they thought maybe we were looking at MS, Lupus or possibly even a brain tumor. CT scan = no brain tumor, MS and Lupus were a little tougher. Off to the rheumotologist I went for more tests, and more tests after those weren't conclusive. Xrays and so much blood. Not MS. Lupus is still an open door at this time. Off to the neurologist. Scheduled an MRI for today and won't have the findings for that right away. ( Looking at some type of nerve impingement, possibly caused by compressed or ruptured discs in the cervical spine. I'll post more on that later when we know something.)
What I DO know
Initial diagnoses are:
Autoimmune Disease: "Our bodies have an immune system, which is a complex network of special cells and organs that defends the body from germs and other foreign invaders. At the core of the immune system is the ability to tell the difference between self and non-self: what's you and what's foreign. A flaw can make the body unable to tell the difference between self and non-self. When this happens the body makes autoantibodies that attack normal cells by mistake. At the same time special cells called regulatory T cells fail to do their job of keeping the immune system in line. The result is a misguided attack on your own body. This causes the damage we know as autoimmune disease. " (http://www.womenshealth.gov/)
Inflammatory Arthritis: (This appears to be the primary focus of the autoimmune disease as far as we know right now)
"Arthritis literally means "inflammation of a joint." In some forms of arthritis, such as osteoarthritis, the inflammation arises because the smooth covering (articular cartilage) on the ends of bones wears away. In other forms of arthritis, such as rheumatoid arthritis, the joint lining becomes inflamed as part of a systemic disease. These diseases are considered the inflammatory arthritides.
The three most common types of inflammatory arthritis that affect the hip are:
- Rheumatoid Arthritis - a systemic disease of the immune system that usually affects multiple joints on both sides of the body at the same time
- Ankylosing Spondylitis - a chronic inflammation of the spine and the sacroiliac joint (the point where the spine meets the pelvic bone) that can also cause inflammation in other joints
- Systemic Lupus Erythematosus - an autoimmune disease in which the body harms its own healthy cells and tissues"
Mine is probably not RA, but it seems that the other 2 options are still open to discussion and observation. Guess I couldn't do anything simple!
X-Rays showed: spurring along the articular margins of the hip joints. Erosive changes in both sacroiliac joints. (Spondyloarthropathy and arthropathy. Impressive, huh?)
Raynaud's Disease
Migraines and Ocular Migraines: Probably no explanation necessary...
Bursitis in both hips, back and left shoulder. Received 3 shots of steroid this past week which seems to have helped some. Scheduled for a specialist to inject the SI joints in near future as soon as I can get an appt with him.
Bursitis in both hips, back and left shoulder. Received 3 shots of steroid this past week which seems to have helped some. Scheduled for a specialist to inject the SI joints in near future as soon as I can get an appt with him.
So, now after wading through all that gobbly gook, you may be wondering "What now?"
Going to start out with some dietary changes, adding some more supplements to enhance my immune system, physical therapy 3 x week for 8 weeks, get findings from MRI and deal with those, take pain meds as stomach will tolerate, but most important according to these Drs is Reduce Stress! I already reduced my school load to 6 credits this semester and our plan to simplify and live in the 5th wheel/travel will all help with this.
Not a lot of feel good, uplifting stuff today, but felt the need to share. I thank all our friends and family for the love and support you offer. Your continued positive thoughts and prayers for both of us are always appreciated.
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
Gilda Radner
Heading out to Sidney and Darlyne's tomorrow to camp out in our new 5th wheel for a couple days.
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
Gilda Radner
Heading out to Sidney and Darlyne's tomorrow to camp out in our new 5th wheel for a couple days.
CARPE DIEM !!!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Toss the Guilt
As I wade through all the accumulated "stuff", I realize that there are way too many "guilt items". These are the wonderful little mementos of love and affection that Joey and I have been showered with by our children and grandchildren. Even our loving family members have chosen tokens of their affection that fill our home. Now the problem looms: what to do with all this "love". Ok, I know that this stuff isn't really love, but the wonderful memories and time that went into them are special and I'm really struggling with what to do with them. I've read articles that say to take a picture of the items, then toss them. Hmmm.... really? I don't know. As I ponder these things I begin to realize that there is a certain dose of guilt attached to them. I know that I am not tossing the person with the item. The person is not the item. The item is not the memory. I can carry the memory with me wherever I go without being weighed down with the item. The guilt comes from what would they think if they knew that I got rid of "it". With the majority of these things, chances are slim that they even remember them. Heck, there are many that I know that one of the kids gave it to me, but I'll be darned if I can remember which one. So the house is filled with "stuff". Stuff that I know I can't take with me (even metaphorically), and stuff I really don't have room for. Keep the best and get rid of the rest. Keeping one (ish) representative item for each family member sounds like a goal to shoot for, but oh, which item? In steps guilt again. I struggle with this. I'm beginning to see that these loved ones want us to be happy and guilt free. They would want us to remember the love and care that the gift shared represented, not to be burdened by it or the implied guilt of abandoning it.
Some of the problem seems to stem from growing up with parents that were products of the Great Depression. Some of that type of mindset almost has a flavor of hoarding to it. My folks weren't just dirt poor when they were growing up. Dirt would have been considered a luxury item. Momma had a little story that she used to share with us about moving that could be elemental in my life right now. When she was a little girl growing up in the Dust Bowl Era her Daddy had to move around a lot to find work. They had been working at a ranch for quite some time and had started to settle in. We all know that "settle in" is another expression for accumulated stuff. One day her Daddy walked into the house with an armload of apple crates. He gave one to each child and said that whatever they could fit in the box they could take with them when they moved on. The inventory of the box would have to include clothes, toys, books. One box per person. That's all. When I look at all the accumulation of "treasures" in my home and life today I need to ask myself: What would I put in my apple crate?
"Being surrounded by the detritus of old times,old projects, old hobbies, old studies, old intentions, and especially unfinished ones, is one of the best ways to breed and nurture guilt and regret." Meg Wolfe
"Don't burden your heirs with the task of sorting through your clutter, and agonizing over its fate. Streamline your possessions as best you can while you're still here, instead of passing on your junk to the next generation." Francine Jay
Some of the problem seems to stem from growing up with parents that were products of the Great Depression. Some of that type of mindset almost has a flavor of hoarding to it. My folks weren't just dirt poor when they were growing up. Dirt would have been considered a luxury item. Momma had a little story that she used to share with us about moving that could be elemental in my life right now. When she was a little girl growing up in the Dust Bowl Era her Daddy had to move around a lot to find work. They had been working at a ranch for quite some time and had started to settle in. We all know that "settle in" is another expression for accumulated stuff. One day her Daddy walked into the house with an armload of apple crates. He gave one to each child and said that whatever they could fit in the box they could take with them when they moved on. The inventory of the box would have to include clothes, toys, books. One box per person. That's all. When I look at all the accumulation of "treasures" in my home and life today I need to ask myself: What would I put in my apple crate?
"Being surrounded by the detritus of old times,old projects, old hobbies, old studies, old intentions, and especially unfinished ones, is one of the best ways to breed and nurture guilt and regret." Meg Wolfe
"Don't burden your heirs with the task of sorting through your clutter, and agonizing over its fate. Streamline your possessions as best you can while you're still here, instead of passing on your junk to the next generation." Francine Jay
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Over or Just Beginning?
The Wedding is over, and now starts the marriage. It was a glorious day. The sun was shining, and everything went fairly smoothly. Fiesta Gardens did a wonderful job of keeping everything moving along. We would totally recommend them for weddings. The only thing left to do now is eat the rest of the leftover cake...hehe.
The real work starts now that we have that behind us. Getting the 5th wheel ready to roll, clearing away all our excess "stuff", the kids finding a new place of their own and moving, and of course finishing this semester at school...... calgon, take me away!
Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to work with the current wall color in the 5er or if I want to take on the trauma of painting before we start moving in. I'm starting to lean more toward trying to get along with what's there after having done some research on painting rv interiors. Because of the vinyl type wall coverings there is a LOT of prep work that has to be done. I'm talking de-greaser, sanding, taping, priming, painting and that's only after taking down all the goofy valances (which I'm planning on recovering anyway) all of which has to be done around a lot of cabinets, mirrors, windows etc. Ahhhh, think I'll just work with it (for now anyway...lol). Maybe I just need to take a little trip over to Bed, Bath and Beyond for a little more "research". Joey says we need new sheets anyway. Good excuse.
"I don't need Mom's stuff to remind me of her. There are traces of her everywhere. In the way I act, in the way I treat others, even in my smile. She's still there, and she was never part of her stuff."
Joshua Fields Millburn
The real work starts now that we have that behind us. Getting the 5th wheel ready to roll, clearing away all our excess "stuff", the kids finding a new place of their own and moving, and of course finishing this semester at school...... calgon, take me away!
Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to work with the current wall color in the 5er or if I want to take on the trauma of painting before we start moving in. I'm starting to lean more toward trying to get along with what's there after having done some research on painting rv interiors. Because of the vinyl type wall coverings there is a LOT of prep work that has to be done. I'm talking de-greaser, sanding, taping, priming, painting and that's only after taking down all the goofy valances (which I'm planning on recovering anyway) all of which has to be done around a lot of cabinets, mirrors, windows etc. Ahhhh, think I'll just work with it (for now anyway...lol). Maybe I just need to take a little trip over to Bed, Bath and Beyond for a little more "research". Joey says we need new sheets anyway. Good excuse.
"I don't need Mom's stuff to remind me of her. There are traces of her everywhere. In the way I act, in the way I treat others, even in my smile. She's still there, and she was never part of her stuff."
Joshua Fields Millburn
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